[e]xpand: a hyper-awareness of the strenuous pace of life
[e]= entry
I called it “my death of ego,” to be out of combat from [the important duties of a normal functioning human being], and the interest of interpolations that society deemed value. Maybe the one thing that I really cared about that I’ve lost is nothing really matters. To be clear, I don’t feel like I am wasting away or wanting to avoided responsibilities. I don’t feel like I have a clear sense of purpose either. I find social media to be ridiculous, full of anxiety-triggering posts, meme provocation, and chock-full of scrambled information that TRUTH seems to be a pinch of ingredient that is tossed in a bubbling cauldron of soup. A cold and dead one, I should say.
Who I really cared about passed away, not in the grave, but from the interest that lies from the motivation to photograph because of how wildly superficial, artless that has become. I chased the number of followings, the likes, ratios, and social validity I need to consume just to justify posting again. It’s not necessarily a death of the ego. However, I call it just that because I surgically removed my followers with whom I don’t have any connections, reintroduced new interest in fashion and analog film, threw away the gear-lust, and completely left with one camera and one lens. What I was left with are the things that really mattered to me.
Photography has become one of those paint punctured buckets that you let go and swing while the paint drips down on the canvas, creating a multi-dimension, sacred geometry, flower-like pattern. Or the “art” of dousing everything on the resin. This cynicism comes from the feeling as if I’ve never left the beginning stages of my photography. This cynicism comes from the feeling of always having to compare my photography to others. This cynicism comes from always feeling less frequent “eureka!” moments that come from photographing my clients.
This entire year of 2020 has become dull compared to the last 5–10 years of my life, but this year I have accomplished one thing. Staying alive.
